What Straight People Can Learn From Queer Sex

My hot take: not all straight people are tapping into the full spectrum of pleasure, whether due to a lack of education or imagination. You’ll have to read on to see if you agree or disagree.

An overview of what’s inside:

We’ve Been Taught to Have Pretty Boring Sex

Fix That By Queering Your Sex Life (5 Things You Can Do Tonight)

What We Can Learn From Trans Sexualities: Desire & Revolution

How To Enhance Pleasure Through Mindfulness

5 More Prompts To Help You Queer Your Play

The Importance of Aftercare

What can a queer and trans soft switch teach you about good, healthy, and expansive sexuality? I’ll start right away.

I am a poet and psychologist (but not your psychologist 😉). When I use words like healthy and expansive when I’m talking about my sexuality—this means sexuality defined on my terms. This means letting go of what I was taught sex should be, and leaning into the visceral possibilities. It means letting go of all of the shoulds and shouldn'ts, and in the words of THE Icon Mary Oliver, letting the soft animal of my body love what it loves. It is as simple as that (though simple does not always mean easy). 

Coming out as transgender taught me what it means to be expansive in all areas of my life, but especially my gender and sexuality. I began to explore expansive sexualities when I began to challenge what psychologists call functional fixedness. That is, fixating on what is typical rather than what could be.

The way so many of us are taught heteronormative sex education, if we get any education at all, is SO boring. You learn to put a condom on a banana, you’re taught that penises of men penetrate vaginas of women, and that is that. How dull! No WONDER there is an orgasm gap for so many heterosexual couples, with men out-orgasming women almost three fold (at least in heterosexual relationships). 

Penis in Vagina sex is geared towards a narrow centering of men’s desire. A part of reclaiming an expansive sexuality for yourself, regardless of your sexual orientation, is to queer up our definitions of what sex can be. Here, “to queer” means to make expansive, to usurp norms.

Five Ways To Queer Your Sex Life…Like Tonight

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