How To Queer Your Sex Life
What can a queer and trans soft switch teach you about good, healthy, and expansive sexuality? I’ll start right away.
I am a poet and psychologist (but not your psychologist 😉). When I use words like healthy and expansive when I’m talking about my sexuality—this means sexuality defined on my terms. This means letting go of what I was taught sex should be, and leaning into the visceral possibilities. It means letting go of all of the shoulds and shouldn'ts, and in the words of THE Icon Mary Oliver, letting the soft animal of my body love what it loves. It is as simple as that (though simple does not always mean easy).
Coming out as transgender taught me what it means to be expansive in all areas of my life, but especially my gender and sexuality. I began to explore expansive sexualities when I began to challenge what psychologists call functional fixedness. That is, fixating on what is typical rather than what could be.
The way so many of us are taught heteronormative sex education, if we get any education at all, is SO boring. You learn to put a condom on a banana, you’re taught that penises of men penetrate vaginas of women, and that is that. How dull! No WONDER there is an orgasm gap for so many heterosexual couples, with men out-orgasming women almost three fold (at least in heterosexual relationships).
Penis in Vagina sex is geared towards a narrow centering of men’s desire. A part of reclaiming an expansive sexuality for yourself, regardless of your sexual orientation, is to queer up our definitions of what sex can be. Here, “to queer” means to make expansive, to usurp norms.
Five Ways To Queer Your Sex Life…Like Tonight
What would happen if everyone explored other pleasure pathways beyond just penis-in-vagina sex? If you love penis-in-vagina sex, that’s great! But for a minute with me, just imagine if we didn’t START there? What would happen if you could expand your sexual encounters to include more than just penetration? What if the sexual encounter was not centered around orgasm as an end goal, but just a lovely part of the process, if it happens? How might you engage in sex, with yourself or with other people differently?
Maybe you might give a partner a massage and focus on zones of the body that are not considered erotic (spoiler alert: you can make almost any body part erotic). Perhaps a straight man who has been afraid to ask for anal asks his girlfriend to wear a strap and explores prostate play. Or maybe he explores this fantasy alone, using his hands to finger himself. Maybe you just play with each other’s bodies as if you were exploring each other for the first time, without any expectations for what happens next.
Start slow and steady. Buy that toy you always wanted to try (hello njoy purewand and nox shot pocket, I see you), and also try using toys in ways beyond what they were “designed” for (safely, of course). From there, you can apply this concept to your body and sexual encounters with partners (more on that later)
To Recap, Try These 5 Things To Queer Your Sex Life ASAP:
Hook up and don’t make orgasm the end goal
Give a massage focusing on “non-erogenous” body parts
Explore prostate play (lots of lube and slowwww, start with a finger rather than a strap)
Pretend it’s the first time you’re naked together: explore with no expectations
Buy a new toy or use an existing toy in a new way
But keep reading, because there’s more!
Pleasure Politics & Learning from Trans Sexualities
Beyond the purely physical, queer and trans people can teach the world what is spiritual about sexuality. This comes down to two things: (1) Pleasure is our birthright. (2) Pleasure is political.
Let me explain. And as you read, I invite you to stay connected to your body. Notice your breathing. Inhale desire, and exhale rest. Play is waiting for you, if you’re patient.
Yes, just like that. Good toy.
The world is on fire, and in the mess of unprecedented times that we are living in, it is so easy to lose ourselves. One of the first things the systems and chaos rob from us is pleasure. Maybe you have been told that your pleasure isn’t safe, that your pleasure is a thing to be feared.
It is not.
Your desire is necessary for the revolution.
Repeat after me: my desire is sacred.
All of these systems that continue to harm us… capitalism, sexism, racism, transphobia. They all want to erase our humanity. Our pleasure. Literally, they want to rob you of orgasms, of life force, of feeling alive.
Yes, in a world that wants to eradicate so much of our existence, whether you are transgender, queer, a woman, an immigrant, a person of color, disabled—centering your individual pleasure in the day-to-day is a political act. It is the resistance.
Capitalism’s way of turning us into mindless, productivity-powered machines, robs us all of pleasure. It might not seem like it, but noticing your body and finding pleasure in this moment is crucial to our ongoing survival. What’s more, for my straight friends in the room, queering your sex life and focusing on your pleasure is equally revolutionary. Taking it a step further, and centering your partners’ pleasure = allyship. That’s right, straight men, you can save the world (and reduce the orgasm gap) one sexy encounter at a time.
Interested in some hands-on practice? Let’s keep going.
Mindfulness Will Turn Off Your Brain and Get You Into Your Body
Sometimes people just want to grind out a quick one, but taking a moment to set the scene or mood and connecting to your body can be a total game changer. It’s mindfulness and meditation, just sexier. Although mindfulness is often described as a mental health coping skill (think deep breathing, 4-square breathing, and using your senses to ground yourself), its roots are far more ancestral than that.
Mindfulness has its origins in eastern philosophies, and yes, the idea of tantric sex is a traditional eastern application of mindfulness techniques to enhance sexual experiences. Mindfulness is GREAT for masturbation or for partnered sex for the same reasons it’s good for your mental health: it brings you out of the “thinking” parts of your brain and into your body. And, I must say, erotic experiences, regardless of whether you cum or not, are 1000% better when you’re truly in your body.
I was trained in mindfulness in graduate school while I was earning my PhD to become a psychologist. I quickly learned how to put on a soft, gentle voice and guide people home to their bodies, one breath at a time. In my professional life, the majority of the time I do this in a nonsexual way because of my role but the transition from calm, soothing meditation voice to sexy soft top voice is not that far of a stretch when you can break outside of what is considered typical in western medicine.
With your permission, darling, I would like to break the chains of fixedness, and help you connect with yourself in a new way. Don’t worry too much about getting it “right.” I will talk you through this.
I want you to rest. Right here, and right now. Stop what you are doing, find where you are, and take a deep breath. Stop and count to 3 with each breath.
1…
2…
3…
Good work, esteemed one. Just like that.
I want you to take a moment to ground yourself in your body. To really be present in it. Your pleasure is your birthright, and it’s time to revel in it.
As you breathe in…. And breathe out… I want you to squeeze your shoulders, let them drop. Relax your jaw, and listen to the soundscape around you.
What do you notice?
Maybe in your mind’s eye, you can hear me, as you imagine my voice. Imagine a non-binary boy in his purple boxers, his rumbling voice, his arms taut, his cock hard, but his heart soft.
What do you smell? Your favorite candle? That lube that always helps you have a good time? The rustle of the bedsheets as you get comfortable? Lean into your senses and just notice.
Place a hand on your chest, or between your breasts, and feel the thump of your own heartbeat. Drum, drum, drumming for you. Pleasure is our birthright.
Thank your heart now, for the way it beats for you. Stop, and repeat after me: thank you. Thank you heart; thank you chest; thank you breath. Take another breath.
Good job, babe. You’re doing so well listening to my instructions and listening to your body today. Let’s keep exploring, and enjoying the moment together.
Reflection & Pleasure Prompts To Queer Your Play
Back to challenging functional fixedness, our tendency to fixate on what is typical rather than what could be. I introduced the idea of using sex toys (carefully) for purposes other than their intended—if you’ve never used a vibrator to tickle your ear you’re missing out—but let’s take that a step further.
My clit could be a clit, and I could engage with it as such. But something explosive happened when I began treating my clit like a cock: tugging, stroking, swelling, ejaculating. This expansiveness went beyond my solo play: what would happen if we switched up what it meant to be a top or a bottom? Amazing things happened for me sexually (and in terms of gender) when I let myself feel into my body’s wants and needs without getting stuck on what I was supposed to do, or not do.
This is where the idea of playfulness in sex comes to fruition. Approach the sexual encounter as if you didn’t “know” what the sex script says to do next. THAT is what straight people can learn from queer sex. When we remove “penis in vagina” hetero-norms from the sexual picture, queer folks are wonderfully creative and expansive in the ways we play, especially when we break gender stereotypes.
Have you ever played with a femme-top? Calling a highly feminine person daddy while they guide you through a power exchange is just next level. When the “normal” rules don’t apply, you leave yourself room to explore what your body likes. Take a deep breath and do not be afraid of silliness. If you try something new and it is a total flop? Laugh it off and try the next thing that comes to mind. You may just surprise yourself with something new, and totally mind numbing. Laugh during sex more, it’s good for the endorphins.
Here are some prompts to guide your learning! If you’re in the mood for some hands-on exploration, take your reflections to the next level with touch. You can use these prompts solo or with a partner. You can write your way through them, talk it out, or simply think.
Connect With Your Body
Take a breath and notice your chest, experience the texture of your skin. Feel the edges of your nipples, notice how they change shape, or don’t, as you touch them—maybe they remain soft in the heat of the summer; maybe they grow hard to the touch. If you’d like, journal about what you see and feel. Be specific. Look at your chest as if you were seeing it for the first time. Explore your skin tone, scars, moles. Notice the shade of your areolas. What happens to your skin when you feel excited, aroused?
Explore Tension and Release
What does it feel like when you massage different areas of your body? Try tightening and releasing different muscle groups. Start with your shoulders, shrugging them tightly, and then letting them go. Scrunch your eyebrows, and let them go. Start with areas that you consider less erotic, like behind your knees, and move to the more erogenous zones.
Massage your thighs as you breathe. Save the sexiest for last. Tease yourself a little bit. Get closer and closer to your clit or cock but don’t quite touch it just yet. That’s right, keep going. Feel the desire revolution fill you up with need. I want you to want it.
Understand Your Turn Ons
A question I love to ask during a play scene is: how will you know that I am having a good time? How will I know that you’re having a good time? In a similar vein, I would love for you to think about the last time you had really good sex with a partner. What made it really good? Name at least one thing your partner did or said that turned you on. Was it the way they looked into your eyes? Was it the way their cheeks flushed? A specific sex act or a particular body feature? A taste?
How do you know when you’re turned on? What do you feel at the moment? Is it a tingle in your groin? Do you feel butterflies in your stomach? Do you get hard, get wet? Deepen into the feeling of being turned on. Channel it and let yourself feel it. Write it down, and share it with a partner if you’re inspired. Ask: How do THEY know that you’re turned on?
Consider Cumming
What does orgasm mean to you? What comes in, what comes out? What is it like? Does every sexual encounter need to end in orgasm for you to feel successful? If orgasm isn’t the goal, what could be? What’s another way of thinking about the goal of sex, with yourself or with others? How do you want sex to make you feel, in your body and in your mind?
Pleasure Goals
I would like you to think about one thing you want to try. Lean into your deep desires. What is something you desperately want? Or something you are at least curious about. If you need some help dreaming into the possibilities, try using a yes, no, maybe list to spark your interest (like the one here). If you don’t know a term, don’t be afraid to put that phone in private mode and look it up. Write out one thing you want to try. Put it on a post it as a reminder, or tuck it into your wallet for good luck.
The Importance of Aftercare
Something capitalism takes away from us is the experience of care, in this case aftercare. Capitalism is focused on one thing, and that's the bottom line. In sexuality, this shows up in a myriad of ways. When the “end goal” of a sexual encounter, solo or partnered, is orgasm, we lose out on all of the ways we can connect to ourselves and each other. And yet, orgasm doesn’t have to be the end point. It can be an (optional) part of an erotic journey. The concept of aftercare is rooted in the idea that when we have sensual encounters, we deserve care at all points of the journey. It starts with consent, but it doesn’t have to end with orgasm. Aftercare is a way to honor the journey your body just went on, and to treat yourself softly.
The next time you engage in play, either partnered or solo, make sure you take care of yourself and your lover after. Get a glass of water, take a shower, go for a walk, cuddle a cozy blanket with a cup of tea—you get to decide. What is your body calling you to? Intimacy is an intense experience, honor the comedown.
Because (trans) Daddy says so…. Because you deserve it.
Here’s my aftercare for you, after this sweet and deep time we’ve spent together.
Take a few deep breaths.
Put your hand on your chest, and tell yourself thank you.
You deserve it, every last breath. You are never broken.
Whatever you do next today, wherever today’s road may take you, hold yourself holy in your own hands.
Find your breath, walk in gratitude, rest.
Take a moment to find your breath.
Just like we started, I want you to rest. Right here, and right now. Stop what you are doing, find where you are, and take a deep breath. Stop and count to 3 with each breath.
1…
2…
3…
Good work, esteemed one. Just like that.
Want to go even deeper? Here is a guided masturbation from Nobody’sPrincessK.