Limerence is Bliss

I came to his house in the middle of the night. My husband drove the car we'd been sleeping in over the mountains to this guy Richard's place. All I hoped for is that he wouldn't kill me. I just wanted to sleep a whole night without waiting with no breath for a rap at the window. 

I'm always taking in strays. She was no different. I thought nothing of it, Ray sent the two of them over. A young married couple who'd been sleeping in parking lots. People come and go. They come for a reason and they leave for a reason, it never has anything to do with me. Except for her. She came here for me, she came here to split my timeline. She came here to fuck me up.  

One night turned into let's stay. A simple introduction turned into numerology as job interview turned into let's work trade turned into you can have the spare room on the weekdays turned into I want to cook what I'm cooking for us for him, too. I asked my queer, nonbinary partner Pete what he thought of Richard, he said without hesitation "I love him." I wanted to say the same but I didn't mean it the way he did, so I choked. It wasn't like that at first. I'm not sure when it became like that. Slowly, then suddenly. He was a complete stranger, then he wasn't. 

She's so pretty it hurts. Was she this pretty when we first met? Those eyes. They burn. It's been a while.

You ever get the impression a guy's sitting on a rocket? Not just a big one, I mean yeah, but I mean a rocket, full of enough fuel to push ten tons straight up. And if it's not going off, it's sitting there, all that fuel, ready to launch. Ready, eager, desperate, finger on the button. This fucker's sitting on a rocket.

Everyday I see her. Everyday she's here, having coffee, caring for the house, talking to me. She asks me how I am, she's the only one who ever asks, and I'm too honest with her. Everyday I watch every single man be mesmerized by her. I beat myself up for being no better than them. The best I can do is keep my tongue in my mouth and try not to give myself away. The view of her ass while she's making something I'm gonna eat is too much. I wanna make another baby with this fucking bitch but she has a man. So what the fuck am I doing? Just trying to breathe and not stare. I should stop jerking off to her but I just can't. She's twenty nine. I'm so out of line.

He invites me to thrift shop in Palm Springs. It's just thrift shopping and hitting up the dispensary, what I'm usually up to with my gay friends back in LA. We get a free iced coffee at the dispensary. "Oh fuck," I say after one sip. Cookies and cream. "Oh fuck," he says too, echoing me. We smoke and we chat, he drives his Jeep, my feet up on the dash. He tells me I need to see myself as a radiant fucking being. Putting two fingers up on the dash he reminds me I am an 11, each finger a one. We’re talking about opening portals. "Pardon me for saying, but your genitals would be part of that portal." He parts the two fingers, a v for a pussy. He's fucking with me. Right?

This girl is mine now. She's my woman. I'll buy her whatever she wants, give her whatever she needs. Protect her, keep her, honor her and fulfill her. She gets only the best, she gets exactly what she asks for. I'm the one to give it to her. She has no fucking clue what a man like me could do to her. I won't condescend to this chick, she's grown and she knows what she's doing when she leans in close. When she passes the blunt to me I feel her fingers linger. I taste her spit but she refuses to taste mine. 

"Pull over here." 

I heard myself say it, as if I was outside myself. Did I really wanna blow up my life over this guy? This is the guy?

We were doing about twenty over the limit on the winding mountain roads back from Palm Springs, full of blunt. He pulled over without questioning me. No discussion, just execution. He did what I asked. We screeched to a halt, kicking up red dirt on a tucked in patch by the highway. 

He put the car in park. "What is it?" 

I undid my seatbelt and faced him….

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