AMA: Life & Dating After Medical Transition
A recent story so eloquently explored dating and hooking up after a long period of celibacy due to medical transition, I asked the writer if he would be open to an “ask me anything” where the AURORE community could pose questions and get advice direct from someone who’d lived it.
This is why sharing real stories of positive intimate experiences is so important! These stories offer hope and scripts for those who need the inspiration and confirmation that there is love and pleasure at the end of the journey to yourself. As one in our community put it: "As a trans woman, sex SLAPS when you do it authentically. Holy actual fuck."
Below, read the AMA. Then read “Rainbow Jockstrap” for the full spicy story, by Felix T.
How did you learn to let go of dating anxiety/fear of rejection?
Honestly this is still a work in progress, but I think taking the first step to have a hook up (and having it go well) has been a huge help. I did push past some fear but it also felt right in some hard to define way.
I try as much as possible to focus on the fact that people's responses to me are often much more about them than they are me - and if someone treats me badly then that's a reflection on them and not on my worth.
It's also been helpful to remind myself that there's many reasons why someone might not be into me that are not personal and not connected to anything particularly meaningful.
When I have felt like I've struggled, I've focused on other things for a bit, like work or the gym, or small self-care and grooming things that make me feel more confident. Also, patience and being gentle with myself has been key - it's important to remember it's ok to get offline and take a break from the apps/meeting people at any time if needed.
How to be an ally!
The main thing that means the world to me is when someone stays informed on what's going on in the wider world for the community, and I don't have to educate them on it. Or they are extra kind and hold space for how exhausting the fear can be when there's relentless negative media coverage, politicians being bigoted, etc.
The key word for me is 'safe.' It's incredibly meaningful little gestures that I have experienced, like people who educated others on my pronouns at the beginning of my transition so I didn't have to, cis people who wear pronoun badges/stick them in their email signatures - all of those things that mean I can relax with them.
In an intimate sense, for me personally - it's wonderful when someone doesn't make a thing out of my transness and I feel like they're just treating me the same as their other partners.
That said, I know some people I've spoken to like to be checked in with a lot and prefer a big conversation before sexual contact, so this seems to vary from person to person.
Advice for trans people with difficult family dynamics
This is something I'm also still navigating myself. The majority of people in my life have been supportive, but for those that weren't initially I found boundary setting really helpful.
If it's safe to do so, have a calm conversation and articulate your feelings. I think some cis people just don't get it at all and have little awareness of how damaging and painful their ignorance can be -but once it's explained they're apologetic and make the effort.
If it turns out to be malicious and deliberate, then I think it's important to take a step back for your own mental health, if you can.
With someone in my life, I sat them down and stated that their behaviour/lack of respect for my identity/lack of effort with pronouns etc. made me feel as though I was invisible to them - and while I understood they were on a learning journey, it had been two years at that point so if they didn't start to try harder I wouldn't be spending time with them going forward.
Someone else in my life is still not getting it at all (a very close family member) and I can't take space because of other family so that's another pending conversation.
How would you describe gender euphoria?
Euphoria feels like so many things to me - it's often a random feeling of joy that pops up over surprising little things, or a massive wave of joy at pivotal moments and hugely emotional. Other times it's a calmer, grounded feeling of rightness and just being able to exist and be present. It's both feelings and a place to me, a place I'm called to and an emotional light that guides me.