AMA: Asexuality, Aromanticism
Our first piece of asexual erotica, “A series of confessions made to a stranger at a lesbian bar over several dates and an indecent amount of alcohol”, explores sex and pleasure from the POV of a writer on the ace-spectrum. Because so little is discussed in the mainstream about asexuality, we asked the writer, SK, to do an AMA on asexuality. Below are some highlights.
(SK’s disclaimer: I don't aim to be a spokesperson for all asexual people; I'm but a wee writer, thinly veiling their experiences through fiction)
First! Review this glossary:
asexuality: little to no sexual attraction to others
ace-spectrum: asexual ppl fall somewhere on a spectrum that includes emotional, spiritual and romantic attraction to other people.
allosexuality: any kind of sexual attraction for another person
aromanticism: little to no romantic attraction to others
How did you "know" or begin to realize you were asexual?
I spent the majority of my life believing that my aromanticism and/or asexuality was "normal," that sex was some giant inside joke that everyone talked about because it was funny. My big moment was when my high-school friend was ranting about their crush at the time, and I paused them mid-ramble to unironically ask what having a crush felt like, emotion-wise.
Yeah, I started going over some theories after that. Some notes from that experience—I never had a crush on anyone as a child; I never realized sex was a real, serious thing between people; I found sex appealing to think about/write/study, but I wouldn't have sex with others unless under very specific scenarios. It was a pretty easy conclusion from there.
Do ace people get horny?
Yep. Asexuality is defined by a lack of sexual attraction, and asexuals—or anyone on the asexuality spectrum—can definitely get horny. They can also, as my character does in the story, enjoy sexual pleasure. Whether the person does something about that with themselves/a trusted partner is ultimately up to them.
What resources would you rec for someone who thinks they may be ace? / Any resources for friends/allies to support ace-aro friends?
I actually really like the Asexuality Handbook! To my knowledge, it was created by the same moderators over at r/asexuality, and was a solid resource to read through when I first began questioning. Check out their FAQ, which covers everything from arousal vs. attraction to how you can support asexuals!
Do you know of Alice Oseman's work? Do you find it representative? (ed note: Alice Oseman is an asexual, aromantic writer)
Ooh, I love this question. To put it shortly: yes, I do. The long, complicated version?
Not every queer work will be for every queer person. Case in point, invariably, some ace people will feel disconnected from my story, maybe even to an upsetting degree. I wrote this piece to represent myself, because I found nothing that accurately surmises my experiences, which is good. But my piece involves a "stone top" lesbian, i.e. someone who prefers only to give during sex, who is also asexual and autistic; both of which play a role in her stone top-ness. The three, though closely interlocked, aren't necessarily the same thing—and the influence of other factors do not make her any less asexual. This will not be everyone's cup of tea, but it is mine.
Think of it like a kink: don't yuck others' yums. Although I don't find Oseman's work to represent me, I know some out there who were really excited to have asexuality discussed at all. The titular character of Loveless, Oseman's semi-autobiographical novel revolving around an aro-ace girl named Georgia, is a facet of how aro-aceness can work, not the biblical truth. To anyone who experiences ace-ness differently, and wants to see more of your representation—pick up a pen and start writing! If you write about yourself, you've represented one person in the literary world already.
I dated someone for 14 yrs I'm convinced was sexual. Really difficult if you aren’t.
First of all, I'm very sorry to hear that. I'm not sure if this will comfort you, but I know how rare it is to find someone you click with at all, even if it wasn't not perfect. Take care of yourself and eat lots of good food. My unsolicited advice to those in relationships involving asexuality—talk to each other. As Audre Lorde puts it, difference does not have to be threatening; I admit there are situations where it's extraordinarily difficult, if the difference in sexuality is something you & your partner(s) can work out, you'll get there by communication.