Solo Pleasure with Carly

My first ever orgasm happened accidentally. I was a sophomore in high school and holding onto my virginity due to a mix of catholic guilt and fear of verifying my reputation as a “slut”. I had a boyfriend at the time, older than me, already out of high school, and we used to sneak around all over the city finding places to hook up and do everything but sex. The night of my first orgasm, that place happened to be a jacuzzi within a gated community. Neither of us lived there, but a friend of mine did, and I had the code to get in the gates. My boyfriend used his driver’s license to pick the lock on the door to the pool area, in a move I’m sure I found very sexy at the time. It was late, a weeknight, no one was around. We got in, naked, and while we were making out, he strategically placed me up against a jet. Before I understood what was happening, pleasure started to roll through me, my body tensed then released…and I came. Ever since then I’ve preferred using toys and other technological marvels to get off. I’ll use my hands to stimulate other parts of my body, or to squeeze and offer myself to a toy…but once I discovered the beauty and power of an orgasm that was technologically enhanced, I couldn’t be bothered to use my hands. I’m a bit lazy. I can be a bit of a pillow princess.

I’m Carly by the way. If you don’t know me…I’m the founder of Aurore. I’m 37 years old. I started Aurore when I was much hornier. I remember as submissions started rolling in, I would read them from bed and end up masturbating and getting completely derailed from the work I needed to do. I had to start working at cafes so I could actually get through stuff. Since then, I started taking antidepressants, specifically zoloft, for depression and anxiety. And while they’ve helped a lot with my depression and anxiety, they have really fucked with my sex drive. The loss of sensation and libido has been especially confusing for me, because a big part of my identity was just…loving sex and being horny all the time. I mean, I founded a whole sex site inspired by my horniness and my sex stories!

For the last couple years I’ve been trying to find a way to both honor who I was and who I’ve become and my evolving relationship and need for sex. I understand that everything comes in seasons, and likely at some point I will feel very much like my old horny self. I’m enjoying finding pleasures outside of sex that I couldn’t focus on before, as well as thinking a lot about monogamy and the other societal structures that both informed my past and brought me to this point. More on that later—Anyway, a lot of times when I masturbate now I reminisce on the past, which I feel officially old enough to do with a kind of wistful, seasoned outlook. I can both feel sorry for the me in the past who suffered and also laugh at her outsized reactions. I can also borrow from some of her more brilliant horny tricks…So for this session, I’m going to walk you through one of my past go-tos. This is something I used to do at my peak horniness. This is me: insatiable. Maybe a little self-destructive, a little selfish, a little deranged.

I’m a bit of a perfectionist: a few things need to be just so before we dive in. One thing is I absolutely have to have smooth, silky legs. If I have stubble, those tiny hairs interrupt my flow and make me think of all the things I have to do. So I always take a shower and shave my legs. It’s also a calming ritual, as it’s something to focus on that doesn’t require much thought—you can really just lean into the sensations of the shower, the steam, the gliding of the razor. It’s mindless and you can feel accomplished at the end. That's lovely. After a shower, I use coconut oil as a moisturizer so that I am slippery and I smell like a macaroon. That's my masturbation scent: pussy and macaroons.

The other thing you have to get right is a song to set the mood. I usually land on something kinda old-timey and a little bit rotten. That’s my sexy place. Something about wanting but not in a sappy desperate way, instead in a classic, animal way. I usually opt for a slow rhythm but if you need to fuck something out, you’ll probably want something more upbeat.

I used to exclusively fall for unavailable men, so even if I was dating or in a relationship, I felt attention starved. And often, I’d be single for long stretches of time, going on dates and feeling nothing, looking in the mirror wishing I had someone to share my body with, feeling like I was wasting my life away, in my sexual prime, wasting my hotness. So when I felt that way, I started taking photos…and then I’d send them to whoever’d bite—as in…internet strangers.

There's something I find so sensual about getting dressed up in lingerie. The pulling on of the stockings, especially on smooth legs, the fastening of the garter belts. And then this reveal of your body all strapped up and wrapped up. It’s also something I so rarely do for sex, so it’s nice to do it for myself. I’m sure I appreciate it more than any dude does anyway. So I get my music going, and start dressing myself in the mirror—I’m already feeling myself. All the preparation and ritual that’s poured into this—I’m ready. And this is when I open the apps: Feeld, Kik, FetLife, Tinder… I like to go in cold, try and connect with someone new in the moment. The thrill of it gets me off, not totally knowing what I’ll get, if I’ll get anything. That’s half the fun. And the types of conversations—literally “hey, you up?” “what are you doing right now?” it’s a totally different part of my brain than I use in dating or romantic love. I’m putting out feelers to fuck. It’s something I don’t always feel I’m “allowed” to do in normal life and it lets me switch off the anxious part of me that asks do they like me, am I good enough?

This is me using the apps like my gay friends use Grindr. Emotionless, focused. I want instant gratification and I don’t really care who from. I want to hear that my puffy nipples are the color of cotton candy. That they’ve never seen such perfect tits and that they want to know what my asshole tastes like. I want a text proclaiming their cock is dripping for me. Is that really so much to ask?

Swipe, send, swipe, send. Not looking at profiles like, do I want to date this person, but looking like: does this person get to see me naked? It’s empowering, not thinking about the long term, only thinking about the next hour. I love the deliberate objectification…demanding it, controlling it. It’s addictive. I swipe and send some more, extremely turned on by the act of this anonymous rendez-vousing and then I set up my phone to record video. If I’m really feeling generous, sometimes I’ll send the whole video. But more often I screenshot from the video. I hit record and start dancing with myself. Grinding on the bed, running my hands through my hair, over my breasts, around my ass. I forget about the fact that I’m filming, and just feel the music and myself.

When I’m so turned on that I’m ready to grab a toy, that’s when I’ll check my phone to see if anyone has interest. If so, I’ll strike up a very to-the-point conversation: “can I send you some nudes?” I like to specify the response I want. If I want a compliment, I’ll tell them: “tell me how hot I am.” Or “tell me what you want to do to me” if I want to sext. Or “Send me a photo back” if that’s what I want (I rarely do, not that into dick pics, they can spoil the aesthetic.)

I start rewatching my video, which in itself turns me on, screenshotting and sending nudes to far flung corners of the world, and thinking about strangers jerking off to my naked body. To be honest, by this time, I don’t really need anything else, I’m sufficiently turned on by the process. But still I’ll play. Someone replies in the affirmative. I select a few of my screenshots and send them, demanding compliments. My clit is already buzzing in anticipation.

I set up a little throne area with pillows in my bed. And depending on the weather, depending on the warmth or cold, I will either go under the comforter or stay over it. There is something that is a little bit exciting about being slightly chilly, I think it’s something about my nipples getting super tight and hard. But in general, I just want to feel comfortable, this isn’t about looking a certain way, this is about what feels good. I lean back on a sturdy pillow, my legs wide open, and grab my vibrator, which I keep always charged. My favorite vibrator is the Form 2 by JimmyJane—it’s shaped like a little cartoon bunny, with two little ears that each have a vibe inside. You can use it like surround sound, placing each on either side of your clit, or if you want direct stimulation, you can point one of the ears directly on your clit. I make my palm flat and cup my whole pussy, grabbing and pulling it toward me like I’m going to taste it. Then I use my flat palm to hold it taut and put a little pressure on my lower belly, something about this enhances the sensations for me. And then I place the vibrator down. I start with the two bunny ears on either lip surrounding my clit on a low-ish setting. But not too low. I don’t have time for games. I want to ease in so it’s not an overwhelming sensation, but I want to feel it. Sometimes if I’m super turned on already I’ll have to back off because the touch of the vibe can bring me to orgasm almost immediately.

Once I find the right setting and spot, I start fantasizing in anticipation of what this stranger is going to say when they see my photos. My vibrator is buzzing, I’m deep breathing, I take a moment to ease up and check my phone. I glance through some standard praise “gorgeous tits” “what I would do to fuck them” But by now, I'm not thinking much about the conversation anymore—everything has turned into this horny blur of me sending nudes out into the ether. Strangers getting turned on by the idea of me, by my body. Strangers saying nice things about my body and how they want to touch it. The anonymity turns me on, the slightly taboo nature of it turns me on. I turn the vibrator up a notch or two or three until it's as high as it will go. I start grinding against it, pushing against the vibrations, this is how I know I’m close. I'm slick and wet, so I run the vibrator up and down my lips to spread the wetness around.

Multiple orgasms are a beautiful thing. When I can't resist anymore, I let my first orgasm ripple through me. With this vibrator it's so intense, so strong, it sometimes feels like too much, like my body is going to bend and snap and break in the midst of it. I encourage myself to moan and breathe deeply and really feel it, perform a little. Then I have to take a moment to rest, give my clit a moment to rest, because it gets insanely sensitive right after I come. I check my phone, see if anyone else wants a nude, hit send, then pick up the vibrator again. I cup my lips again, put pressure on my low belly again, and set the vibrator back around my clit. If at this point I feel a bit desensitized and I'm able to put one of those little bunny ears directly on my clit, I go for it. I'm all in now. Usually the second time I come, it happens pretty quickly, ripples through me and I keep riding it out into the next one. I reach a state that feels like one long orgasm, I’m in a permanent state of bliss and contortion, jerking around, sometimes tears start streaming from my eyes. I've been known with this vibrator to come upwards of six times within 20 minutes. It's pretty magical. If I don't have anywhere to be or anything extremely pressing to do, I’ll keep going and going until I feel I physically cannot absorb the sensations any longer. I say to myself: okay, one more. Sometimes I say—okay really only one more. Finally, I turn off the vibrator, my hand is numb and feels a phantom vibration. I stumble to the bathroom to pee, delirious with pleasure, feeling spent. Then it’s on to the next—a nap, back to work, or getting ready for a night out.

I never respond to the messages piling up from whoever I engaged with. It’s a one time thing. Once I cum, I’m done. I don’t want them to fall in love, ya know.