Confession II

If you know me, and I know you well enough to have met the family, I have probably imagined having sex with your father. If he’s sexy in any kind of way and even if he’s not. I imagine sex with everyone, even people I don’t want to have sex with, even people I don’t want to imagine having sex with. I probably imagined having sex with you. Or at least thought about you having sex. It’s a reflex. 

I’m a pervert. I sexualize everything and everyone.

Am I a sex addict? It’s possible. Who isn’t? Don’t you assume everyone is like you until you find out they’re not? I think that’s the point of this exercise.

Sometimes I get high and watch sitcoms and the sex and human dynamics seep forward and it feels that the whole world is built on sex. That and power. But sex so often is tied up in power. How you get it, or take it, if you give it, or sell it. For some price, whether it’s money or something else.

I remember the questionnaire they ask you at clinics when you go in for STI screenings. “Have you ever had sex for food, money, housing?” Who hasn’t? If women harnessed sex as a tool for revolution, we would have taken over the world a long time ago.

I’ve been with two women in my life but they were both butch. Am I bisexual? Or am I into masc people romantically? Or am I too afraid of women’s bodies to take the lead? I want to try being with a woman, someone who is femme, unlike the women I’ve been with before. Maybe in those situations, I stepped back into my fear and played a role I understood: being the femme. Rather than a role I’m not totally comfortable with.

Sexually and physically I think about women’s bodies all the time. Looking at the bodies of women is what first turned me on as a young person. Of course, women’s bodies were much more exposed in the media than men’s. But I remember seeing naked women in magazines and feeling aroused. Did I want to become them or did I want to be with them?

I think about bodies that are different than mine…svelte women with small, firm breasts, smooth, perfect skin, perfect pussy. I imagine taking their small tits in my mouth. I imagine cupping their pussies, and then licking the length of their slits. But I imagine all this in 2D. I don’t know how I would perform confronted with a pussy in 3D. Smells, tastes, intricacies. Sometimes I worry my interests in women’s bodies are too informed by patriarchal standards. I’m both turned on by women’s bodies and disgusted by my own.

In another life I’m a huge slut for women. I step into my power and seduce and pleasure women, giving them everything my femme side has wanted from a man. I know what it is and feel I could give it: That confidence that lets the other person fully relax. Making them feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Full trust that daddy will take care of them. I’ve felt that a few times with men. But it was always so toxic. As a woman, I think I could be both powerful and soft. Women deserve that.