New Hero: Portia Brown
AURORE sat down with sex educator Portia Brown of @froeticsexology to discuss reshaping consent culture, strategies for getting head during sex, anti-blackness in sex positive spaces.
Tell us about the birth of Froetic Sexology.
Last fall, I launched Froetic Sexology on Instagram. At the time, it was supposed to be a finsta for my close friends. I talked about starting a blog of my dating chronicles as an early 20 something Black woman. And I was like, “Yeah, I might do that. I might do that.” And then it turned into a sex education platform where I was sharing the information that I had collected over six years of thinking I wasn't a sex educator, when really, I was.
How did your ancestral past shape your present?
My grandmother, as a young person, worked in the labor delivery unit in a hospital. Last Christmas, I found out that my great aunt was a madam. She didn't have a lot of options to make money and make ends meet in the south as a black woman. So she started a brothel.
I know that her influence and some of the knowledge that she had from that career and from that lifestyle may have shown up in me and what I am doing now.
How do you think we can begin to reshape consent culture?
I don't think we can talk about consent enough. A lot of people want to say consent is sexy to make it enticing and appetizing for people. When we do that we're really diminishing the value of actively practicing consent.
It shouldn't have to be sexy for us to do it—that shouldn't be the only strategy that we have. We should have other ways to ask for consent in intimate situations.
What about the orgasm gap?
I've had really unfulfilling sexual situations and experiences that ended in orgasm, and then I've had ones that were fantastic that didn't include orgasm at all. We have to elevate the conversation to being about pleasure and experience [rather than just orgasm]. We feel like if you have an orgasm, you did it right, but that isn't the full picture.
One area that I need to learn a lot more about is the experience of intersex people in our society. We need to include them more in our conversations about sex and make sure we prioritize pleasure for those people.
What is your advice for getting out of your head during sex?
I always recommend practicing mindfulness in and out of the bedroom, meaning taking the time to focus in on the thing that you are doing, and being fully present for it. That thing could be a meal, a shower, or focusing on your breathing and the sensations in your body.
Those things, when implemented outside of sex are easier to implement in the moment. Don't put pressure on yourself to have this big fat orgasm, to make every single sexual encounter magical for what it is. Learn from it and build on it next time.
How do you stay in touch with your sensual self?
Buying gifts for myself has been a coping mechanism that's not so great, but it's been a way that I take care of myself.
I also deep clean my house or deep clean myself (conditioning my hair, doing a face mask, and doing it at home facial).
I like slowing it down as much as possible and taking the time to seduce myself; that could mean lighting, sage or candles, or something else like that, so I can just really take that time.
How do we confront anti-blackness is sex positive spaces?
We need everyone to address that toxicity and anti-blackness may exist in their institutions. Don't bring marginalized identities into your space [under the guise of diversity], and then make them experience racism, transphobia, homophobia, and anti-blackness. Interrogate the anti-blackness in your space.
Also, as a community, we need to address the ways that black women and femmes have built the knowledge base that we use in this field. We need to honor that and we need to pull them back to the forefront. This [erasure] is wrong, and we need to make it right by letting black women and femmes and black folks lead the conversation from here on out, since historically, we've been tortured in efforts to talk about sex.
What does sexual liberation look like for black women in the future?
I would love for black women to be able to express themselves sexually in whatever way they decide and it not be turned into a think piece.
Black women should be able to just simply fucking exist.
They should have full access to their sexuality and sexual expression as they wish without scrutiny.
Do you have a message for young black women finding their power?
When it comes to sexuality, interrogate all of the messages you are getting, and question whether they are good or bad. I got a lot of negative messages, but I also got a lot of a lot of good ones. And I wish that I would have taken the time to not just take all of them as truth.
Take a moment and ask yourself, “Is this information really going to serve me? Is it for the kind of person that I want to be or is it for somebody else?”
What is best part of being a sex educator?
Any time a black woman or black femme reaches out to me and says I have helped them. It has been the greatest reward. Personally, this process of being more publicly vulnerable and sharing personal tidbits about my myself has helped me to decolonize my own thoughts about sex, and shift the way I perceive my own sexuality.
Your current wellness mantra is…
Be kinder than you have to be.
To yourself and others.