New Hero: Gabrielle Smith
NYC-based writer and non-monogamy educator Gabrielle Smith (@bygabriellesmith on Instagram) sits down with AURORE to discuss her journey with polyamory and navigating through the tough with emotional intelligence.
Writer and non-monogamy educator Gabrielle Smith shares her wisdom and experience navigating non-monogamy on her Instagram (@bygabriellesmith).
Can you describe your journey to polyamory?
My polyamory journey has been a long one! I’ve actually never been in a 100% monogamous relationship. My first relationship, which began when I was seventeen, ended up as an open relationship a year later. We were each other’s first everything and thought we were going to be together forever. So, we rationalized that it would make sense to have an open relationship. Inevitably, we grew out of each other, so the relationship ended.
Gabrielle Smith’s shares knowledge on how to navigate relationships via tweet, shared on her Instagram @bygabriellesmith
My second partner and I went into our relationship knowing we would be polyamorous, but chose to begin monogamously so we could really focus on each other during those early stages. As the feelings grew, I got scared and rescinded the idea. Our relationship wasn’t super secure, and both of us had a lot of trauma and mental illness to work through. Much later we came to terms and became polyamorous. We started with the “don’t ask, don’t tell model”, which I would never recommend. We would see others but essentially pretend we weren’t, and not really talk about it unless asked. It created a lot of issues and I felt like I was sneaking around… even though it was totally permissible behavior. Because of this, and other issues, the relationship ended.
When I moved to NYC, polyamory became so much more viable for me. I met my partner about a month after moving back (I’m originally from Queens) and he’s married. My partner and his wife have been open for several years now, and they teach me so much about open love and how to navigate these things. Now, we’ve created a bit of a family. My current partner has helped me heal a lot of my bad relationship habits just by being good, consistent and understanding. Through that, I’ve become secure enough to realize that I’m solo-polyamorous. I operate the best when I am my own primary partner.
What do you think are the biggest misconceptions about polyamory?
A lot of folks think it’s a free for all, or that it’s just about sex, or that polyamorous folks are selfish. I’ve found that it’s not that at all. Polyamory and ethical non-monogamy require you to speak and communicate SO much more with partners. There’s a joke in the community about talking things to death because you kind of have to over-communicate. And yes, something it CAN be all about sex, but ethical non-monogamy is not a monolith.
Another piece of wisdom, shared by Gabrielle Smith on her Instagram.
What do you think people are most afraid of re: polyamory?
They’re afraid of their own feelings of jealousy and insecurity.
Having your partner, who you were told should be your “one and only”, sending heart eyes to someone else brings up a lot of negative emotions.
I think a lot of folks are afraid to confront that ugliness and work through it. confronting your insecurities ultimately makes you more secure, and a better partner—for your love and yourself.
What do you think is the most beautiful thing about polyamory?
You create family and community when you’re ethically non-monogamous. It’s like reclaiming a village structure. I meet so many people through my relationships that I never would, and I form so many friendships through my partner and his wife and her partner. There’s an unyielding stability about it because you constantly are choosing those who you’re with. Relationships don’t have to end in ethical non-monogamy and polyamory. They just change.
What do you think is the hardest thing about polyamory?
Breaking down your preconceived notions about what relationships look like. We’re told that relationships should be all-consuming, possessive and that only monogamous relationships are meaningful or worth anything. Wider society doesn’t really acknowledge the limitations of this, and you have to unlearn a LOT of toxic monogamy in order to successfully navigate ENM.
Restoring autonomy is another thing. Coupledom often makes us attach to another person and define our worth upon the relationship. It’s You AND Your Partner, not just you. While a union is beautiful, some folks take it to unhealthy levels and it’s necessary to work through that change.
Amazing! Do you have any advice on how-to cultivate emotional intelligence?
Yes! I think it’s a lot of mental and emotional work, to be honest. Therapy helps a lot, if that is accessible for you. But past that, I think emotional intelligence is a mixture of objectivity, emotional control and reasonable response.
Not taking things personally
Not immediately reacting in emotional ways and
Weighing your feelings next to others. At the end of the day, I always suggest finding more resources. Follow therapists on Instagram (I adore @mswjake). Read books, like The Body Keeps the Score, or publications like Greatist, which aim to make you your best self. Really cultivate a learning mindset and you’ll get there!
Gabrielle Smith on Instagram @bygabriellesmith
What's your go-to coping mechanism when negative emotions hit?
I journal a lot or talk to someone. Getting those emotions out, whether out loud or on paper, help so much. Asking myself “why is this bothering me” and exploring the action is such an aid. When I get to the reason I tend to settle.
What does aftercare look like for you?
Cuddling, watching a movie, reflecting on the sex. Or just falling asleep next to my partner.
Lovely! Before we go, can you give us a mantra?
“Be kind..” We’re just all doing our best. So be patient. Be patient with yourself and be patient with others.
