Slime

What the myths and legends don’t tell you about N is how smooth he is. Running your hand along the delicate undulations of his curves is like stroking a peach. There’s gentle fuzz masking a glossy body underneath, made wet and subtly slimy from the walls and crevices of his underwater lair. They don’t tell you he’s luscious, arching and bucking through the waves as the sun reflects off his hard muscles.

I call him N—is that weird? ‘Nessie’ is a name forever linked to the old lady who ran the local newsagent and was an active member of my town’s running club. ‘Nessie’ is an upstanding member of the community who bakes fruit scones each morning to hand out to the old men who pass her shop. My N is not.

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He pushes his large, oak kitchen table against the window, worrying briefly whether the noise will agitate the downstairs neighbors. He climbs on all knees and elbows. Sticking his head out into the golden-hour sunlight, he inhales properly for the first time that day. Someone in his block of flats is cooking a slow sweet tomato sauce and he imagines grating mounds of parmigiano reggiano on top of it. With each pulse of the wind, scents arrive acrid cigarettes, spicy pipe tobacco, a hint of sea salt. It reminds him of living in France, wandering the streets to count how many people wore berets. He’d rented a bedsit with a living room/bedroom/kitchen separated from the bathroom area by an accordion door. Each morning at 5am, he would wake to the buttery scent of pastry being freshly made in the bakery below his room, mingling with M. Morançais’ Gitanes.

When he thinks about sexual awakenings, he knows only stickiness. These are his memories: tripping over in the mud, age 5; the allure of golden syrup on pancakes, age 10; shaving cream slithering between his fingers, age 14; kids’ TV shows with slime and gelatinous liquid pouring onto contestant’s clothed bodies, age 16. He uses baby lotion, massage oil, whipped cream, jelly, and lube. ‘It’s my thing,’ he tells her, and she’s cool with it. She doesn’t know any better.

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