How To Write Erotica About People You've F*cked

I get these questions a lot:

Is it okay to write erotica about someone you’ve been with? Without them knowing or explicit consent? Particularly an ex someone.

How to write about your partner with respect for their privacy and wishes?

My partner doesn’t want me to write erotica, what should I do?

and last but not least…is it okay to write erotica about someone who specifically told you not to write about them?

These questions are quite nuanced, but I’m going to answer them based on my own experiences, wisdom, and freedoms.

1. Do you need someone’s consent to write erotica about them?

If all writers got consent from their subjects and inspirations, we would have far fewer works of greatness. The very work of being a writer is collecting characters, whether they are very clearly based on someone in your life, or little Frankenstein monsters of many different people you’ve known, those characters show up in our writing.

Taking the opportunity to create characters inspired by real people is exactly why so many novels have the clause that claims “any resemblance to real people, places, or events is purely coincidental” to dodge defamation lawsuits.

However, works of an erotic nature do become more complex when it comes to consent. I champion enthusiastic consent in sex, so it would be hypocritical AF to buck consent when it comes to sex writing. BUT! I think there are several ways to write erotica about someone you’ve slept with in the past, without their consent, including:

-by changing enough details that it really wouldn’t be obvious who the story is about

-by using a pen name and changing all names of parties involved to protect the (not so) innocent

-by writing stories that are positive, rather than disparaging take downs (people usually don’t get mad when they’re portrayed in a positive light)

I have routinely wrote erotica about past lovers and then sent them the story when it was published and 10/10 every single person was happy (and horny) about it.

It is my means of processing and expression and I am entitled to that, with or without their consent.

*If someone you’re with specifically asks you not to write erotica about them now or ever, that is something we will discuss more later.

2. My boyfriend will kill me for sharing this, but I’m going to anyway!

I met my current partner while running my Kickstarter campaign for Aurore, so he’s known since our first date (or before, because he looked me up on IG!) that I write erotica professionally and he has always been supportive.

The first erotic story I wrote about him was early on in our relationship and I did not warn him about it (oopsie) Suffice to say there was some shock when he opened my weekly email and realized I was writing about him (even though I changed names and used one of my pseudonyms).

Out of respect for him I will not share that story—and I regret how I went about it—but it did bring to light some differences and led to important conversations. I was working out feelings through writing, as I do, and I’m glad it fostered a better understanding of each other even if there were some bumps in the road. I will mention that ultimately it was still a positive story and he was not portrayed in a negative way.

The next time I wrote an erotic story about him, I had learned I needed to do things differently. So I told him I was writing it, and then when I was done, I asked him to read it. I was proud of the piece—it was about my struggles with changing libido as I had begun SSRIs—I always write from a place of truth, even though my stories are positive, they’re based in reality, so never perfect or polished (because what sex is?!)

After he read it, he asked if I could change one thing: I had written that since we weren’t having sex very often during that time, he always came pretty quickly when we did have sex. He wanted me to take that part out.

I felt for him, I did. I understood that this is something men are shamed for, but I told him, with love, that I simply could not take that part out. Because that part is what made it real and relatable, it was the truth, not a glamorized version of events. And that is the whole mission of Aurore.

I assured him that it was extremely normal and common, and nothing to be embarrassed about. That perhaps having this in the story could eliminate some of the stigma.

And he understood. What a gem!

3. Writing erotica is not cheating

I’ve heard from many young writers that their partners don’t want them to write erotica and I do worry about any relationship that is attempting to control you or stifle you creatively.

Ask them what about erotica makes them uncomfortable? Why are they attaching shame to sex and the expression of horniness? A discomfort with this subject matter is a red flag for other issues of shame and sex, so do a wellness check on the sex and intimacy in your relationship: are you close and feeling strong as a couple? It’s better to introduce something like writing erotica when the relationship is strong, rather than in the midst of turbulence when it’s more likely to raise fears or jealousy.

But ultimately, writing erotica is not cheating. Not in any form, even if it’s writing about your past encounters while you’re with someone new. We all have pasts, and we all think about people we’ve been with from time to time, and denying this is childish.

Writing about your intimate experiences is a form of processing and developing an understanding of your desires. Consider it like therapy—you don’t share with your partner all the details of what you discuss privately with your therapist, and you don’t need their approval to write…anything.

If all else fails, tell them it’s fiction.

4. When they *specifically* ask you not to write about them

I famously started one of my stories with “He told me never to write a story about us.” So I may not be qualified to give advice on this matter BUT:

If you are currently in a relationship you want to stay in, and they ask you not to write about them, don’t. Write fiction instead, inspired, but not specific.

If you were in a relationship and the person asked you not to write about them, but then they ended up being an asshole/ghost/cheater/liar/etc. I say: fair game! How else are you going to process the fuckery they put you through? Case in point, my story below. However, I personally think I represented us both as equally unlikable, but um…one of us was for sure worse.

Do you have thoughts or vehemently disagree with my ethics on consent to write erotica?

Have you ever got in trouble for writing about someone?